A calm heart will break when given a shake.

 

My usual sarcastically cheery self is going on vacation momentarily, I’m afraid to get out of bed, afraid to see the sun, terrified its light might expose all those things I desperately keep hidden inside myself. I have been trying to figure out for days how I can write a piece that doesn't show my grief, but to no avail. I am going through something right now that I cannot put into words - it is private, painful and something I was not prepared to feel anytime soon. 

Sometimes we think we have it all figured out, we think we know what we want and how to get it and are distracted by what we feel the universe wants from us.. and then we are thrown a curve ball, and our world as we know it, shatters before our very eyes and falls into a million tiny little pieces. Heartbreak in any form is devastating. Love makes everything more tragic, beautiful, interesting, painful. Love can destroy you in seconds, but it can also save your life. Naturally, we try to deal with it by sleeping it off, drowning it in liquor or causing physical pain to ourselves, all in the hopes of distraction, but when we come out of the trance, the pain is still there, often stronger than ever, and unbearably vivid. I am expert on emotional pain, I have a lifetime pass for the roller coaster of self-destruction. I get on the ride unwillingly, but I am a slave to my thoughts. I curl myself up in a ball and refuse to look down, but as the ride jumps from high to low, I cant help but feel sick to my stomach. 

Maybe I will heal this time, maybe I wont, maybe I will love again, maybe I wont.. but what I really need right now is to believe in myself and love myself alone. Because sometimes, when we are in love, we forget the most essential thing in life. To love the only person we know will stick around for us until the end of time - ourselves.